When Attention Isn’t the Same as Connection

It landed in my TikTok inbox like a pebble tossed into a pond, small, almost forgettable.

A man I’d never met sent a message: apologies for not texting more, a vague “wish” that we could talk, a compliment about my voice, and a quick mention of his busy schedule. Then… nothing. No question. No clear reason. Just a handful of words that sounded like connection but didn’t hold any.

I stared at it for a moment, deciding if it deserved an answer. I knew the truth before I even finished reading it: probably not. Not because I’m cold or unkind, but because some messages aren’t invitations; they’re placeholders. They keep the door cracked just enough for someone to wander in and out when it suits them.

And I’ve learned to stop mistaking that for interest.

The Illusion of Interest

“I wish we could talk more” sounds sweet, but without action, it’s air. Proverbs 14:23 says it plainly: “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” That’s true in faith, in work, and yes—in relationships.

Some people love the idea of your presence more than the responsibility of your presence. They throw in a compliment here, an apology there, like a chef who sprinkles salt but never serves a real meal. It’s just enough seasoning to keep you nibbling, never enough substance to fill you.

Oscar Wilde once said, “I can resist everything except temptation.” I’d add—some people can resist everything except attention. And attention without intention is just noise dressed up as music.

Time Is the First Filter

I learned this lesson the long way on a dating app. At first, the small talk felt harmless—guys asking, “How was your day?” or “What did you do?” It seemed innocent enough. But the deeper truth? Those conversations were going nowhere.

At first, it was mildly exciting—like unwrapping a gift with beautiful wrapping paper. But too often, inside there was nothing but air. And just like that, the energy it took to craft replies, to invest attention, lost its luster. I wasn’t on the app to trade endless pleasantries; I was there for meaningful connection. What I got was bait without a hook, conversation without substance. It taught me to spot the difference between words that build and words that only burn time.

Author Greg McKeown puts it this way: “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.” And Proverbs 4:23 offers the same wisdom in spiritual terms: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding my time is one way I guard my heart—and that includes knowing when the season for small talk has expired.

Boundaries Are Not Cold, They’re Clear

So yes, sometimes I respond with, “Why do you wish to text me more? We’re strangers. You’ve got your life, I’ve got mine.”

That’s not icy but honest. Because boundaries aren’t barbed wire; they’re the front gate. I decide when it swings open.

Tony Gaskins captured it perfectly: “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” And Matthew 5:37 says it even more simply: “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no.”

A “no” to empty interactions is really a “yes” to what matters. And if that makes me sound selective—good.

Soul Insights

1. Not every message is an opportunity; some are distractions. Distractions aren’t always loud; sometimes they arrive disguised as flattery. Before answering, I pause and ask: Will this add value to my day—or just drain my focus? That one question has saved me from wasting hours on conversations that leave me emptier than when I started.

2. Consistency reveals intent more than words ever will. People who value you don’t just say they miss you—they carve out space to see you, call you, or text without prompting. Presence is the proof. Words are only the wrapping paper.

3. It’s okay to ask direct questions; it filters faster than waiting. Clarity upfront saves weeks of decoding mixed signals. A direct “Why do you want to talk?” puts the responsibility on them to articulate a purpose. If they can’t, you’ve already learned what you need to know.

4. Your time and energy are sacred spaces; protect them like treasures. I no longer offer unlimited access to people who treat my attention like a free sample. Access is earned, not assumed—and when I started valuing it that way, I noticed fewer people tried to waste it.

5. People who value you will make room without being reminded. True connection doesn’t need chasing, hinting, or endless scheduling. When someone truly wants you in their life, their calendar will prove it.

Final Thoughts

Real connection doesn’t live in “wishing” or “maybe someday.” It shows up—consistently, clearly, and without you having to beg for clarity.

So the next time a “We should talk more” message lands in my inbox, I’ll read it with the filter I’ve learned to trust: Are they wishing for me or just wishing for my attention?

If it’s the latter, I’ll save my breath, my time, and my heart for those who actually show up. That’s not cold, that’s wisdom wrapped in discernment.

Your Turn

Guard your time the way you guard your faith—carefully, intentionally, and without apology. Not every knock on the door of your life deserves a key. Before you answer, ask yourself: Will this lead somewhere worth going, or is it just noise? Your time is the most valuable gift you can give; spend it where it matters most.

Soul Path Insights